New Years
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Posted:Dec 30, 2013 11:58 pm
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2013 3:30 pm
8536 Views
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So what are your plans for the New Year? As for myself, I plan on getting my ass back into shape. That shape would be a cock...lol
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
I hope you all have a Happy New Years.
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Just curious
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Posted:Dec 30, 2013 1:51 am
Last Updated:Dec 30, 2013 1:33 pm
7595 Views
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I was reading a blog on here and it got me to thinking. How many of you actually get involved with total strangers and have unprotected sex?
Yeah I know that it sounds really exciting to hook up and fuck away with no concerns, but is it really worth the risk?
I guess I am somewhat old fashion, hell at my age I am getting old. But I would rather get to know the "Man" I am with first, then if we take the next step, protection is a MUST! Hell I even make him wear a condom when it comes to oral sex until I see a clean bill of health.
I guess I am 
I know this really is not a blog, it is more of me thinking is all.
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Just wanted you to know.
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Posted:Dec 8, 2013 10:24 pm
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2013 3:32 pm
7551 Views
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Yes I am still around, just been so busy lately. Maybe sometime soon I will get back to what I do best, or second best and write. What I do best is BLOW JOBS or so I have been told.
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Made ya laugh
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Posted:Dec 8, 2013 10:01 pm
Last Updated:Dec 8, 2013 10:34 pm
7184 Views
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Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job? ( "I don’t know what?" ) You don’t know? soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common? A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!
Santa went down the Chimney and started putting presents under the tree. He went to leave and noticed the most beautiful red headed women laying there in her naughty nighties, She said santa do you wanna stay and play, He said HO HO HO Gotta go Gotta Go gotta deliver presents to the Ho HO. So he went to leave again and She said once more, "Santa dont you want to stay and play" as she took off her nighties and was layin there in a sexxy g-string, He said Ho Ho HO gotta go gotta go gotta deliver presents to the dont you know ho ho, So he went to leave one last time and the women said again, "Santa stay and play" and when he turned around she was laying there completely naked, The most beautiful thing in the world spread eagle, He said hey hey hey gotta stay gotta stay, cant go up the chimney with my pecker this way!
source: http://AdultFriendFinder.com
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WHAT A GUY SHOULD NOT SAY AFTER SEX
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Posted:Oct 12, 2012 4:44 pm
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 9:57 pm
13963 Views
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* "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
* "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
* "How come it's so BIG in there?"
* "You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"
* "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
* (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
* (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
* "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
* "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
* "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
* "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
* "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
* "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
* "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
* "I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"
* "I've been getting these little blisters lately....."
* "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
* "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
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Good Girls VS Bad Girls
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Posted:Oct 12, 2012 4:39 pm
Last Updated:Dec 10, 2013 1:01 am
13105 Views
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I wonder where I fit in here?...lol
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
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It has been a while.
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Posted:Sep 3, 2012 12:42 am
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 9:57 pm
12370 Views
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Hi,
It has been a while sense I have been on here and actually wrote about anything. I had lost my zest for writing and could not figure out what had happened to me and where my creative side went. Well after some soul searching I have figured out what happened.
I lost my confidence in who I am and what I enjoy all because of a couple that we played with and considered friends until recently.
My husband and I never fought, had a great sexual relationship and always told one another that we loved each other daily, that was until we met this couple. Then things began to change. My sex drive just vanished, I was not able to climax or even enjoy giving head. All of a sudden we started fighting over crap that really was not even important. My husband started telling me I was putting him down all the time, that I did not appreciate him and that I was selfish. I was confused about all of that and then I figured out by accident what was going on.
This couple we played with where having martial problems big time to the point that it became more drama than fun to swing with them so we quit that part of the friendship. But what I was not aware of the fact that the woman had fallen head over heels in love with my husband. For the past year she had been emailing him and texting him. She told him all kinds of lies about me that was not true, such as that I was fucking around on him with every man I could get into my bed. She told my husband that I was fucking her husband and telling him how much I hated my own husband. The list goes on and on. I had no clue as to where he was hearing all of this.
My husband has been going through a hard time this past year because of his father passing away suddenly. The grieving process is an emotional roller coaster and this woman used that to fuel her fire. The other day I happen to sit down at the computer and I found an email account I had never seen opened on the screen. I clicked it opened and found that it was one that my husband had. I knew that I should not read it but being human I did. I discovered that this woman who claimed to be my friend had been emailing my husband all kinds of shit.
This woman was planting ideas into my husbands head and playing mind games with him. She confessed to him that she loved him and that she wanted to be with him for ever. She asked him to leave me for her and her exact words were, "I dont know if i understand it but i do know with or without permission i am going to do what i want. Im a grown woman. I want you and nothing or no one will stop me from having you."
She sounds dangerous, so then I found out because her husband is willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy, he was willing to help her break up a marriage that has lasted 34 years. Well after much soul searching and talking with my husband he admitted that she was making him doubt our marriage. What he did not realize was that she was making all of this crap up that she was telling him. Oh my husband is not innocent, if he had questions or concerns he should have came to me and not to her.
Now that they are not in our lives any more, my sex drive has returned and my nasty mind has started to get ideas that I will soon put back into writing. It is a shame that those who are unhappy have to ruin what others have. Sad thing about all of this stuff is that neither one of the other couple acknowledge that their actions were wrong.
   I almost forgot my own motto!
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Nudist Colony
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Posted:Feb 27, 2012 1:10 am
Last Updated:Dec 10, 2013 10:32 pm
14806 Views
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Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his
clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by
him
and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection,
comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob
replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me
explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you
called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays
down
on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way
with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and
farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a
firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:
"Sir,
did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man:
"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you
called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him
over
the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked
receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key
back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only
been
here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our
facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a
hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
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Swapping
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Posted:Feb 27, 2012 1:05 am
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 9:57 pm
13915 Views
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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
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Know what you are grabbing.....lol
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Posted:Feb 27, 2012 1:04 am
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 9:57 pm
13755 Views
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A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
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Vaseline
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Posted:Feb 27, 2012 1:00 am
Last Updated:May 28, 2024 9:57 pm
13755 Views
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A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"
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MARRIAGE
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Posted:Feb 16, 2012 10:07 am
Last Updated:Apr 12, 2012 11:12 pm
14781 Views
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Married or not its a must read! MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces.
The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release.
The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door.
She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life.
My wife gestured to our to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears.
I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our , in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our --- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
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To link to this blog (ineedyounow55) use [blog ineedyounow55] in your messages.
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